One Month

It's been one month.

An entire month since he walked in as if everything was fine then turned to me randomly and said we need to talk.  Grad school has started back up again.  Between work and school I have one day off per week to shop, clean my house, and study.  It's tough.  It keeps me busy.  And it means the only time I really have to cry and realize how lonely I am are nights.  They are hard.  I should be spending time trying to relax or studying or doing homework, and yet here I am, trying to hold it together, wondering if he thinks of me, wondering if he wants to talk to me about his grief, wondering if he is dating, wondering if he talking with his exes like he did before, wondering if he is back with any of them, wondering, wondering, wondering.

I'm trying to be strong.  Trying to protect myself.  Trying to only allow myself to grieve and cry and mourn for limited amounts of time.  I know my friends are sick of it, I know they think I need to be over it, but it's only been a month, and love doesn't work like that.  It doesn't.  And he should know that  too.

3.5 weeks out

It's been two and a half weeks.  I haven't heard from him in a week.  It's starting to really sink in that this is real.  This isn't a trial run.  I'm giving him the space he needs to grieve but in the meantime I highly doubt it is doing anything for "us."  There will never be an us again.  I'm trying to come to grips with this.  I really am.  But it is hard to grasp this with the timing of all of this.  I need closure, but I cannot get without being rude.  I'm in the no sleep, stress headache, stomachache era of a breakup.  I want to help him, but he is making it clear that he does not need me, and I'm pretty sure he does not love me either.  The shocking part?  I have made no contact but to respond to his two texts since d-day. I'm surprised and a tiny bit proud at this.  Back to another night alone...

Night time

Why are the nights so hard?  You are left to your own thoughts and those are dangerous companions to have... I find myself spiraling down and asking what if questions that I cannot answer and wish I could ask him but simply can't.  It's a scary place to be.  :(

One day at a time

It's been a little over two weeks since he broke up with me. A week tomorrow since the wake.  I've been working a lot.  As a nurse, I find it helpful to take care of others.  I work on a dementia unit.  These people have all led amazing lives that essentially have been stripped from them due to an unfair disease that has left them unrecognizable to both themselves and their families.  They make me laugh and cry on a a daily basis.  Fortunately, they have helped me through this past week.

The patients come up with funny one liners that you would never expect to come out of someone who can rarely put a sentence together.  It is these moments, and when they hug you, or smile at you, or even thank you, that make the job worthwhile.  So on a busy day yesterday imagine my surprise when I received a text thanking me for a sympathy card and asking me if I was doing well.... from him.  I said you're welcome, and that I was here if he needed.  That was it.  He thanked me again.  It's hard to be in this strange "friend" zone, yet suffer through the loneliness of a breakup.  I ache for his loss and how much pain he must be in, I ache for the loss of him, and I ache for us.

It still hurts so much... But slowly, ounce by ounce, my heart feels a little lighter.  Sometimes only temporarily, but still.  I still wonder on a regular basis if he will come back, if it is the grief talking or really his heart that doesn't love me... And that is when the pain becomes too much and engulfs me.  Love is such a fickle thing...

Current Status

It's been a doozy.  Really.  We can start from the beginning but really, who has time for that?  The short story is a nine year relationship and engagement with my high school sweetheart ending in an affair, marriage (not with me), and damn near ruined my future.  Fast forward two years.  Who meets anyone good on match?  Bueller?  Bueller?  After some awful dates and some real losers who just disappeared, really, pulled the Houidini crap, I met the most amazing man ever.  We clicked immediately.  But I didn't want to go there, not too quickly.  I had been burned badly in the past and the cracks and fissures of that heart break were still very fresh.  Even more so, the losers of previous dates had made me feel as if anyone could disappear on a dime.

One date turned into two, to three, and so on.  Sooner than I thought, we were "exclusive" and then he said he loved me.  Yup, He, said he loved ME.  I couldn't believe how lucky I was, this incredible guy could love me, be so sweet, respectful, and treat me like I was his everything???

Fast forward a year.  Everything is going great.  We are talking about moving in together, marriage, the works.  Unfortunately, one of his brothers is seriously ill and is on his death bed.  He is not doing well at all.  As a nurse, I know how death goes.  I see it daily.  And I know the toll it takes on the family.  I immediately do all I can to help the bf and his family, though he asks that I don't.  I respectfully leave him his space.

Suddenly, he's saying he needs to talk.  He doesn't know what to do, everything in his life is upside down, he is a loser, I'm too good for him, we need a break.  I'm side-swiped.  I DO NOT see this one coming.  NOT AT ALL.  I say we don't need a break.  I know he is not his self and of course can not be in this relationship 100% but I am here for him.  He counters with his feelings have changed and BAM I've been bowled over.  He's crying and looking at me as if he's stabbed me.  Well, he has.

A week later his brother passes.  I go to the wake.  It's painful for many reasons.  It is is hard to see him suffer like this, his family suffer as well.  It is hard to see the family for perhaps the last time.  It is hard to see him for probably the last time as well.  I walk out and cry.  He texts me later and thanks me for coming, it meant a lot to him.  And then silence...