It's been a little over two weeks since he broke up with me. A week tomorrow since the wake. I've been working a lot. As a nurse, I find it helpful to take care of others. I work on a dementia unit. These people have all led amazing lives that essentially have been stripped from them due to an unfair disease that has left them unrecognizable to both themselves and their families. They make me laugh and cry on a a daily basis. Fortunately, they have helped me through this past week.
The patients come up with funny one liners that you would never expect to come out of someone who can rarely put a sentence together. It is these moments, and when they hug you, or smile at you, or even thank you, that make the job worthwhile. So on a busy day yesterday imagine my surprise when I received a text thanking me for a sympathy card and asking me if I was doing well.... from him. I said you're welcome, and that I was here if he needed. That was it. He thanked me again. It's hard to be in this strange "friend" zone, yet suffer through the loneliness of a breakup. I ache for his loss and how much pain he must be in, I ache for the loss of him, and I ache for us.
It still hurts so much... But slowly, ounce by ounce, my heart feels a little lighter. Sometimes only temporarily, but still. I still wonder on a regular basis if he will come back, if it is the grief talking or really his heart that doesn't love me... And that is when the pain becomes too much and engulfs me. Love is such a fickle thing...
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